Your Illuminati Bracket: The Sweet 16
Yep. They’re all in it.
A clandestine group of celebrities, athletes, and politicians rules the world. Their watch is all-encompassing, their reach is never ending, and the Internet thinks everyone is in it. They are the Illuminati.
Yesterday, we gave you a bracket to vote on who you thought was in this shadowy organization.
The results are in, and using total votes from the round of 64, we move ahead to the Sweet 16. This post is pure satire, but if we suddenly vanish, you know why.
From the Underground Bunker Region
Bob Odenkirk
He took out Amy Poehler in the first round, and then edged out Tim & Eric in the round of 32. Better Call Saul gets better and better each week, and it seems impossible for it to keep up its pace for multiple seasons. Unless of course he’s part of the mysterious cabal that controls cable television, aka “Comcast.’’
vs. Meghan Trainor
Beenie Man didn’t stand a chance in the first round, and Robert Frost was no match for Nantucket’s newest songstress. Nantucket is also a place that houses the Bidens, Bill Belichick, and Jerry Stiller, so it has to be a hotbed for a secret society.
[fragment number=0]
Paul Wahlberg
The other other Wahlberg brother edged out M. Night Shyamalan before making quick work of the “Kars4Kids’’ song. He’s moderately famous, but has no musical or theatrical talent. Sounds like he’s got the right stuff (for the Illuminati).
vs. Jay Z
The God MC beat out FIFA before sending Jimmy Buffett packing. He also recently announced his music streaming service, only to see shares jump 938 percent in 24 hours. He’s waving his Illuminati membership in our faces at this point.
[fragment number=1]
From the Roswell Region
Gucci Mane
He named himself after an expensive Italian fashion house. Then, he knocked off Oklahoma City Thunder coach Scott Brooks, before making mincemeat out of poor Mr. Rogers. You should vote for him, because there’s no telling what’s behind this coat that looks like a waterfall.
Gucci Mane
vs. BuzzFeed
They beat Finn from Adventure Time by nearly 30 votes before breezing past Bill Russell. They also released a quiz asking which Dragonball Z character I should work out with while I was writing this, so they’re fufilling their Illuminati-mandated mission of draining worldwide productivity.
[fragment number=2]
David Stern
The former NBA commissioner beat Hulk Hogan and Stanley Kubrick. It was even shadier than the 1985 NBA Draft.
vs. Tom Brady
Touchdown Tom got Migos out of the way, before making light work of Keanu Reeves. To celebrate, he jumped off a cliff. His hair was left in its original shape, he did not sweat, and he got out of the water completely dry. We smell conspiracy.
[fragment number=3]
From the Island Fortress Region
Morgan Freeman
The voice of God beat out Jim Carrey before he beat out Louis C.K. for his spot in the round of 16. The world is his puppet, and here he is stealing RGIII’s essence:
vs. Mindy Kaling
The Cambridge-born comedian beat out ESPN NFL reporter Adam Schefter, a man who secretly controls the most powerful sports league in America. Fear her power.
[fragment number=4]
Bill Simmons
Simmons beat out Joe Kennedy and did away with Homer Simpson. He probably hosted a podcast while doing it, and is definitely a proponent of the New World Order.
vs. Nev Schulman
Nev beat uber-talented director Paul Thomas Anderson, and then got Gisele Bündchen out of the way. His survival in this bracket, considering his competition, is as hard to believe as the entire premise of his show Catfish.
[fragment number=5]
From the Internet Region
Gayle King
The Oprah behind the Oprah beat King James and Iggy Azalea. This website will be Tyler Perry’s Boston.com any day now.
vs. Shonda Rhimes
She literally made a show called How to Get Away with Murder.
[fragment number=6]
Rick Pitino
It seems Boston still hates Rick Pitino. You put him past a guy who was actually in the Illuminati, and then past Tim Duncan. Louisville didn’t make the Final Four, but he’s as safe a bet as any to be back next year since, you know, he’s part of a secret organziation that controls everything.
vs. Dave Chappelle
Dave Chappelle beat Bill Clinton. Bill Clinton! He also got the notoriously late Lauryn Hill to perform on time once for his movie. Who else wields such power?
[fragment number=7]
Conversation
This discussion has ended. Please join elsewhere on Boston.com