HOW TO SPOT THE LIARS IN YOUR LIFE

PROLIFIC LIARS: Who are they, how to spot them, and ways to stop lying if this is you

Not to go down a rabbit hole, but when I started working on my marketing workshop, I found myself learning more about liars and manipulation.

I already knew quite a bit about marketing, market manipulation, and influence. But what I learned about prolific liars was very interesting.

While I have a class on the St Louis Marketing Method and Seven Languages of Influence, I don't have one on lying (and I don't plan to). So I thought I would summarize my findings on prolific lying.

This will help people who are challenged with lying, people who just want to know more about lie detection, and people who want to just stop feeling the pressure and stress of lying.

7 Characteristics of the PROLIFIC LIAR?

1. We are not talking about little white lies like telling someone their cooking is good or saying the sweater that grandma gave you for christmas is great. Everyone - yes even you - lies about those things.
2. We are not talking about embellishments to make a story funnier or to paint a picture.
3. Prolific lies give the liar a specific advantage. Generally - they are looking for sympathy or leverage.
4. Prolific liars tend to suffer from low self-esteem, concern with disappointing others (guilt), and complacency.
5. Prolific liars are more likely to think everyone else is lying and need proof of the truth.
6. Just because you have some of these characteristics doesn't mean you are a prolific liar. It just means that prolific liars have many of these characteristics.
7. Prolific liars have a great imagination and do well in fields that leverage that imagination and communications such as: courtroom attorneys, sales, marketing, public speaking, writing, acting, etc. The best prolific liars generally have a higher than normal Emotional Intelligence Quotient (EQ) which aids them in tugging at heartstrings.

7 Reasons the Prolific Liars in your life LIE?

1 - Most prolific liars are lying for selfish reasons. They want leverage or sympathy in an area where they don’t deserve it - this is basic manipulation.

2 - They are likely afraid to tell the truth in the first place and live with significant fear of being caught. This drives them to want to be alone more often than not.

3 - Prolific liars are generally very charismatic and high achievers in at least one area of their life. For example: They might be a prolific liar at work; but a fantastic spouse. Or horrible in relationships but amazing at work.

4 - Most prolific liars live with a significant amount stress due to their lies. Sometimes that stress and anxiety leads them to smoke, drink, and use drugs. The stress cycle looks like this:

• They will lie about attending a fake event to get out of a primary event. They will do this instead of just telling the truth that they don’t want to go to the primary event. Generally the reason they don’t want to go is complacency, low self-esteem, and feelings of stress (which all have to do with them lying in the first place).
• Now they have told a lie about attending a fake event, they have to make sure they remember to whom they told about the fake event, remember the date and time of the fake event; dodge people that they lied to during the fake event (ignore phone calls and text messages); come up with stories about the fake event; and remember those stories for later.
• That is a lot of work which increases stress, anxiety, and adds onto the pile of lies that they must remember.

5 - Most prolific liars struggle with guilt about the lies they tell. To reduce this guilt, they overcompensate by “over giving” or “doing extremely good deeds”.

Examples are:

• publicly donating or giving valuables away unexpectedly;
• publicly taking bigger than normal actions;
• publicly surprising or gifting to others.

The reason for the public actions?... see #6

6 - Prolific liars want people to see them as a good and charitable person; and less likely to be a liar. This is why they publicly take positive actions. Publicly just means that other people know about it - generally those other people do not include the person they have lied to (that is #7).

They aren’t just “dropping things off at Goodwill”, they are actively looking for others to whom they can donate things of value to. They need their community to know that they are a good and charitable person. They will brag that they don’t tell other people about their good deeds. Instead, they almost always involve a third party so that someone, other than the beneficiary, knows they did a good deed.

For example: They will pay someone’s light bill. But instead of paying it directly, they will tell the person’s relative to do it for them. This way the relative knows and will brag about the charity of the liar. The liar could have simply given the money anonymously or directly, but they need someone else to know so that this person becomes an ally, the heralder of the liar's good reputation, and defender of the liar when they eventually get accused. When they have enough of these people, then they will have an army to stand up for them.

To be clear, the gift is from the heart. It makes them feel like they are paying off some of their debt from their lies. But these actions are the currency that the liar will use later when caught in a lie or to downplay a lie.

• I.e. - I paid your light bill; so why would you think I was lying about...
• I never get credit for all the good things I do such as...
• You're always accusing me of... even after all the good things I do.

7 - Prolific liars are more likely to overcompensate to the person/people to whom they are lying. For example: a prolific liar lying to a spouse will buy gifts, make promises for the future, do extra chores, give in to most requests (especially requests to buy things), etc.

They do this, again, as a payment of the liar’s debt. They are trying to use good deeds to cover for all the lies they tell.

Also - prolific liars tend not to lie to everyone often. They maintain a continuity of lies to the people closest to them and reserve white-lies for everyone else. Children will lie to parents often, but reserve white-lies for grandparents or friends. One spouse will lie to another regularly, but rarely to friends.

Prolific liars tend to keep at least one person around that they never lie to such as a sibling or close friend.

3 Ways You Can Be a Human Lie Detector

The closer to the present time the lies are, the harder they are to cover up from detection.

For example: Lies about an event from 5 years ago are harder to detect than an event coming up this evening or tomorrow.

DETECTION 1: FACE THE FACTS

We all have a baseline of actions and micro expressions when we tell the truth. For example: Someone telling the truth may have gregarious body movements and then behave less gregariously when they lie. Some people whisper. But the microexpressions in the face are a dead give away; and generally those expressions happen around the mouth and eyes.

During their lie, a prolific liar may curl his lips, cover or touch his mouth, repeat a phrase after the lie... such as “seriously” or "you know what I am saying", etc. They may look down when they lie when every other time they look directly at you or around the room.

Other than the face, the hands and feet are also great places to detect a lie. It is hard for some people not to keep their hands or feet still when they lie. They may point their toes more, tap their fingers, and even squeeze their hands - things they rarely do when they tell the truth.

Another way to tell if someone is lying is the tone of their voice. This is more often found in younger liars. They may speak in a higher pitch, whisper, or change something about their voice when they are lying. Over time liars tend to recognize this and control it better.

All you have to do is pay attention to them when you KNOW they are telling the truth. Watch their movements closely when you know they are lying. The cues are there. Our bodies betray us when we lie.

But this is NOT a dead give away. Some people can take on the lie as a false memory and create a complete story in their heads. This allows them to put themselves in a time a place mentally and emotionally, almost creating a complete diorama of the situation and living it.

I have seen prolific liars cry about something that is completely untrue without a single tell or indicator that they are lying. I know someone who has several tells. They curl the left side of their mouth and repeat the phrase "know what I am saying". They even change their pitch at the end of their sentences.

PS - Denzel Washington has a tell. He slightly sucks in his chin and puffs his lips a bit. He does it in EVERY MOVIE. His wife confessed that he also does it when he tells a big lie.

DETECTION 2: THE WHY in the LIE

Prolific liars are good at telling the story and embellishing.If you want to catch a liar, let them tell the WHOLE story and then ask WHY. Most liars can’t answer the question of why as it gets to a depth that is difficult to reach.

For example: A prolific liar might say: I went to the doctor’s office for a really early appointment, but the lights were off in the office and they weren’t answering the phone. I left because I thought the office was closed.

Question: Why didn’t you just knock on the door?

Answer: It was raining and I didnt want to get my work clothes wet.

Question: Why didn’t you use the umbrella in the trunk?

Answer: You know... i forgot about the umbrella. Plus: I was parked really far from the front door and didn't want to walk that far.

Question: Why were you parked so far?

Answer: The parking lot was full.

Question: Why would the parking lot be full if the office was closed?

Answer: I don’t know. It just was.

Question: So why didn't you just drive up to the curb nearest the door and tap on it? You wouldn't have gotten that wet.

As you can see, this is going to quickly uncover the lie (they didn't go).

The funny thing is that, right now, the prolific liar is reading this a deciding how he could get out of the lie rather than recognizing he could just tell the truth: “I didn’t go to the appointment because it was early, I was lazy, and completely forgot.”

DETECTION 3: ASK FOR PICS

A prolific liar will completely ignore you during an event that they lied about going to. So ask for a photo like this:

OMG! You are going to take your kids to the restaurant. That is awesome. Send me a pic of you guys. I haven’t seen them in forever. I bet they have grown.

That picture will never show up and they will magically forget to take it. Even if you send a text message to remind them, their phone will have died and they never got the message.

Is it possible that their phone died? YES.

It is probable. ABSOLUTELY.

It is not the one-off acts that you are looking for. It is the patterns of lying. For example: Their phone is always dead. They never respond to your text messages while at an event they lied about attending. They never have photos at said events or with people who should be there.

Those are the patterns that you are looking for.

I deal with a prolific liar who always asks an extra $20 for gas about once or twice a week. I started asking to see a photo of the gas gauge.

My name is <NAME HERE> and I am a PROLIFIC LIAR. I NEED HELP.

5 WAYS TO BREAK THE CYCLE

If you are tired of feeling guilty, stressed out and the source of pain, then you can change that. It won't be easy, but it isn’t easy to get yourself clean.

You are buried under a bed of lies. You have created this facade that people believe. You have developed a representative that people love all because you don’t think that you are worthy of that kind of love. You believe that you have to do and be so much more than the average person.

Guess what... you don’t.

Right now you have a choice:

Rip off the bandaid or pull it off slowly.

(Psst... I suggest the former).

1 - KILL THE REPRESENTATIVE:

Take an inventory of who you really are.

Make a list of all your good attributes and all of the bad ones. Own and love every part of who you are; and commit to the parts that cause you challenges in your life.

2 - FIX ONE CHALLENGING PART

Pick one area that causes you to lie and work on that...and only that. Maybe you want to be less complacent. Or you might want to be more forthcoming. Work on those areas.

3 - THE HARD PART: COMMIT

Commit to telling the truth:

It is critical that you start telling the truth now, no matter who gets disappointed. Note: The truth is that they will be disappointed now or angry and disappointed later. Regardless - they will be disappointed. This is something you have to accept.

You have lied to and manipulated people. But this is a time to start over. Starting over takes work. Clean the slate now, apologize, and commit to the truth from this point forward.

By cleaning the slate and apologizing, so many people will see you in a different light and give you a second chance. It will be much more powerful than digging your way out over time without the confession.

Commit to yourself:

If you don’t want to go to something then say: Thank you for the invitation but I am going to bow out. Own your space and what you want. Again - others may be disappointed, but that is ok. They will get over it.

Commit to your word:

If you say YES then SHOW UP.

If you make a PROMISE then DELIVER IT.

Here is the hard part - if you made a PROMISE that you never planned to make good on, then you should make good on it now. Backtracking after you have dug yourself out of the hole will cause people to double down on the negative thoughts they have about you.

You word is all you have left, make sure that you are true to it. One lie can cause people to completely mistrust you again and all your work will be for nothing.

Commit to the consequences:

If you consistently say NO then understand that you may not get future invitations. It is time to be selfless even if it doesn't pay off a debt of lies.

Commit to getting better:

It is easy to just say “F*ck it”, cut everyone off, be by yourself, and become a hermit. Most cowards take the easy way out, but that doesn’t make them stronger or more heroic. Now is not the time to huddle away. Now is the time to get better about telling the truth. You need people in your life to do that.

Commit to being unselfish:

You must put in the work and make unselfish sacrifices for relationships that matter. PS: Unselfish sacrifices make relationships so much more powerful and deep. It is the first step towards better long-term relationships that matter.

4 - GROW UP

People will be disappointed, learn to deal with it rather than run from it. Recognize they are disappointed because they care about you.

Also, recognize that there are people who you have fooled who will be angry and won’t like you. And why shouldn't they. You sent in a representative, manipulated them, and never trusted them enough to show them your true self.

Take the consequences of your actions like a grown up.

It is time.

5 - ACTIONS THAT MATTER

Recognize that there are several reasons that you lie: complacency, low self-esteem, and manipulation. You are trying to gain sympathy and leverage.

If you eradicate complacency and low self-esteem, you will have no need for manipulation.

Start with low self-esteem. There are LOTS of books on changing your mindset and how you see yourself. But here is the fastest and easiest way to boost your self-esteem. Publicly own your sh*t in a vulnerable way. That will garner the kind of support that you need and never thought possible. Suddenly people will see you and accept you for who you are. But whatever you do... DONT LIE! Tell the whole truth about who you are.

Complacency is a little tougher but I like the 5-second rule. Let’s say that you want to go for a walk everyday. I don’t need you to commit to walking for a mile. I need you to commit to the next 5 seconds. Start counting to 5... and then try to get out of bed before you make it to 5. Start counting to 5... and then try to find your shoes before you make it to 5. Start walking. When you get tired ask yourself if you could walk for another 5 seconds.

A woman who heard me speak at a conference several years ago said that she used this exact tactic to start running marathons. Ella said she never set out to run a marathon; she set out to walk in a 5K for a charity. Every time Ella felt like she couldn't take another step, she'd ask herself: "Can I go for 5 more seconds?" Ella said that "5 seconds always ended up being another minute or two or five".

When you need to have a tough conversation, count to 5 and kick off the convo before you make it 5. I like to start by saying, "NO UNSAID WORDS". This phrase means: "I have something difficult to say and if I don't it will cause a chasm between us". It is also a way of asking for grace before you speak.

Anything that you want to do can be done if you just give it 5 seconds - even hard conversations.

Finally, what you will find is that if you are more forthcoming and less complacent, you will not need to manipulate people or lie like you did before.

Sure - you can say something nice about that ugly sweater or compliment an interesting haircut, but you won’t hate the person in the mirror because you did.

I LOVE YOU.

YOU ARE WORTH IT.

Now you just need to know that.

Resources:

• https://www.bbc.com/future/article/20150906-the-best-and-worst-ways-to-spot-a-liar
• https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/hope-relationships/201507/6-ways-detect-liar-in-just-seconds
• https://www.bbc.com/future/article/20150320-why-do-we-laugh-inappropriately
• https://www.verywellmind.com/how-to-tell-if-someone-is-lying-2795917