When people think of the Illuminati, they tend to think big-picture—new world order, secret society, headquarters under the Denver International Airport, that kind of thing. It's totally understandable. We are everywhere. Our logo is on every dollar. Our spy planes leave chemtrails over both land and sea. We are currently grooming Blue Ivy to be the cutest shape-shifting reptilian World Monarch ever.
Other organizations must wonder, "How do the Illuminati find time to control all the sheeple?" Well, here's the secret: day to day, we work at a granular scale. There is so much we do, and so much more we could do—and that's where you come in. We have enough eyes in the sky; we need boots on the ground.
So it is with great pleasure that we introduce MyIlluminati: a vast, lively splinter network that allows you—yes, even you!—to get involved with the Illuminati, at the local level. You may be wondering, “Is MyIlluminati a pyramid scheme?” Absolutely. We are very upfront about shamelessly stealing your energy, money, plasma, thick sweaters for outer space, and what have you. As the great Illuminati band the New Radicals once sang, “You only get what you give.”
Another frequent question is “Will I gain access to global wealth and knowledge?” No. That's for Queen Elizabeth and current World Monarch Joy Behar only. However, you will have access to a lot of like-minded people, most of whom want to worship Lucifer openly, without the guilt. Interested in joining?
Here are some fun MyIlluminati activities:
BUNKER MAINTENANCE: We have a lot of bunkers, and let's just say that they don't clean themselves. Bunker detail isn't all Windex and drudgery, though. Design-inclined members have tackled outdated décor. Social butterflies have lunched with Saddam Hussein and Michael Jackson, both very much alive and starved for human connection.
THE HAARP PROGRAM: Our machines, which manipulate the ionosphere, are pretty important—the big ones control weather patterns, earthquakes, and Internet think-piece trends. But one of our Q4 initiatives is HAARP localization. For a few nights each month, you'll gather with some MyIlluminati buddies and install smaller machines in cell-phone towers. These devices will control eye twitches, arousal, and Presidential-primary vote-casting.
CUSTOM FRAMING: A nice chunk of Illuminati fund-raising comes from controlling the world's banks. But our most ingenious profit center is custom framing. Wood and glass are the cheapest materials on planet Earth. All we have to do is let the sheeple bring in their crappy art, charge them hundreds of dollars, and then make them wait not a day, not a week, but a month for pickup. It makes no sense, and yet it works. (Another scam of ours is dry cleaning.) Please clear your calendar for mandatory volunteer hours.
SPREADING THE WORD: Distributing pamphlets is a great way to explore your town and blow some minds. Stacks of grainy photocopies depicting a flame-eyed Barack Obama whispering in Joy Behar's ear are just waiting to be slipped into laminate sleeves and waved about at Sbarros, bus stations, and twenty-four-hour Rite Aids.
MEDIA CONTROL: MyIlluminati isn't just a social group; it can lead to an exciting new career. We live in a golden age of cable news. As our programming has proliferated—with shows like "Fox & Friends," "Mad Money," all of the History Channel, and the Teen Choice Awards—so has the importance of writers and producers to help broadcast misinformation at such an entertaining clip.
So join MyIlluminati, where having fun is an inside job!
