17 Things No One Tells You About Parenting a Baby Boy
Because little boys are not made of snips and snails, and puppy dogs tails (and what is a snip, anyway?).
There's this myth that you, as the baby's mom, will know exactly what to do with said baby because you, obviously, are the mom. What no one tells you is that every baby comes fresh out of the womb pre-made with his own personality and opinions, which he'll then use to make you doubt every single thing you thought you knew — not just about motherhood but your entire life. It's cool though because you learn fast on the job and you have an an adorable (if sleep-deprived) teacher. And? You've got lots of other moms in the same boat paddling with you. Here's your crash course* of what moms of baby boys wish they'd known sooner. (Prepare for a lot of talk about penises. A. Lot.)
Mandatory 'not my kid' disclaimer: The following will not be true for all baby boys. Some things may also be true for baby girls. If any of these things don't apply to your child, feel free to have a good laugh at everyone else's expense and move on.
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Right after delivery many moms are surprised to see their tiny baby boy with some very enlarged male parts, but before your partner takes any pride in how well-endowed his son is, know that it's not permanent. This totally normal condition is thanks to extra fluids in his body, and his penis and testes will go down to baby-sized within 10 days, according to David Geller, M.D., a pediatrician for Baby Center.
You hear a lot about how difficult baby girls' diapers are to change, thanks to all those folds and having to remember to wipe front to back. And while that is true, no one tells you about all the crevices in boys' teeny-tiny walnut-like testicles. One sticky poop and you'll need a toothpick and 20 minutes to get it all excavated.
Of course you will be showered with urine, that's a given — at least until you figure out how to be fast enough with the fresh diaper to catch his geyser before it erupts. But no one tells you that the baby can still get you good even with a diaper on, thanks to boys' innate ability to pee in any and all directions. The trick? Tuck that shooter down before wrapping.
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Circumcisions aren't medically necessary, but with 58 percent of baby boys in the U.S. getting the snip-snip, they are quite common. If you opt to get your boy's foreskin removed, the doctor will likely tell you to keep it clean and covered. But your job is not done there, as the foreskin can reattach somewhat to the head of the penis. This means as his mom, you have to check it regularly and pull it back or else he may have to have the surgery repeated. Now there's a fun mommy-son bonding moment!
Boys learn veery young that touching their penis feels good, and holding it can make them feel secure — but there's another slightly disconcerting way some boys like to play with their toy. "Until I had a boy I never knew they were that… stretchy; it was like silly putty," says one mom. "My husband about lost his mind when he saw him yank on it like that. He was actually whimpering. But our son thinks it's the most fun ever."
Sometimes a penis is just a penis. But when it's on an adorable chubby-cheeked infant sometimes it's a winky, a tinkler, a pee pee, a wee wee, a weezer, a peter, a ding-a-ling, a tallywacker, or some other ridiculously cutesy nickname.
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Elementary-aged boys are known for their love of bathroom humor. But it starts a lot earlier than kindergarten and maybe even before they can speak. Just watch your baby son fart bubbles in the bathtub and crack himself up.
Many little boys just seem to come out of the womb loving guns, archery, knives, clubs, and anything else that could be used to commit violence. Even if you have the most zen home in the neighborhood, he'll still bite his toast into the shape of a gun and use it to "shoot" his brother, or he'll find the biggest stick on the playground and start whacking everything (and everyone) with it. And it starts before you even realize they know what a gun is. Don't worry, this says nothing about you as a mother and it will pass.
Girls seem to pick up language skills without a problem, speaking sooner, having larger preschool vocabularies, and using more complex sentence structures than than boys, according to a study done by Northwestern University. But this normal developmental difference can make a mom seriously worry about her son's cognitive skills. Don't stress too much — boys catch up quickly in the elementary years, according to researchers.
One of the first things you notice as the mother of a boy is that girls' clothing gets three-quarters of the store while boys are shoved in the back corner. Worse, boys' clothing styles haven't changed much in the past 20 years. You've got plaid shirts, cargo pants, track suits, and t-shirts, all emblazoned with dinosaurs or baseballs — and that's basically it. If you want to up his style game, you'll have to head to Etsy.
Thankfully, the days of gender-normed colors are over, as proven by the rainbow of colors available… for girls. Somehow, clothing manufacturers have realized that baby girls can look adorable in blues, browns, and greens but have entirely missed the fact that baby boys can look equally adorable in pink, pastels, and prints other than stripes.
There's an unspoken rule in our society that a boy name can easily become a cute girl name (see: James Lively-Reynolds and Wyatt Kunis-Kutcher) but an established girl name can never be used again for boys (see: Leslie, Ashley, Shannon, Terry, Lindsey, Sandy, and Laurie). Which might explain your friend who named her kid Brick. (Take that one, girls!)
No one is saying your sweet baby boy is a jerk, but boys consistently show less of an ability to recognize emotions and empathize with others than girls. These differences start at a young age and only widen as babies grow up, according to a review published in the Scientific American. The good news? The difference in babies is small and by modeling empathy you can teach your son to be more in tune with others.
Mothers often overestimate their sons' motor abilities, like crawling, jumping and walking, saying the boys do them faster and better while simultaneously underestimating the motor abilities of girls same age, according to a study published in the Journal of Experimental Psychology. The truth? Boys and girls reach these milestones at similar times.
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As a mom, you most likely grew up as a girl, and so you're very familiar with typical girl worries. But boys face different challenges in our culture, and suddenly you'll find yourself worrying about how to teach your son to be respectful, gentle, loving, and kind in a world that teaches the opposite type of masculinity. But don't worry, it can be done, as evidenced by the large numbers of amazing boys and men.
Many moms of boys have harrowing tales of finding their little monkeys on top of the refrigerator or inside the dryer mere weeks after they took their first steps. Boys seem to have a instinct for danger that makes them want to climb on, manipulate, and explore everything they're not supposed to be near, which means you've got to invest in some solid baby gates (none of that pressure-mounted nonsense!), outlet covers, and lots of corner bumpers.
While young children in general have a knack for injuring themselves in the most innocuous of circumstances, boys account for more E.R. visits than girls do, according to a government report. The most common reasons toddler boys had to see a doc? Accidental injuries and poisonings.
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