The Illuminati: the secret society pulling the strings of every major organisation in the world

Name: The Illuminati.

Age: 237.

Appearance: A pyramid with an eye on it, a hand signal, a tattoo on a rapper's back, a giant lizard dressed as the Queen. Take your pick.

Really? Are we still pretending that the Illuminati is a thing? Of course it's a thing. Haven't you seen the signs? Haven't you read Dan Brown? Haven't you heard We Do, the Stonecutters' Song, from that episode of The Simpsons?

You're referencing works of fiction here. It's fact. He might look like a simpering, polo-necked millionaire, but Brown exposed the real truth about the Illuminati.

Which is? It's a shadowy conspiracy that has existed since the dawn of time, secretly pulling the strings of every major organisation in the world. It manipulates finances and dictates policy so as to usher in a terrifying new world order.

The dawn of time? But it's only 237 years old. Well, if you want to swallow society's blue pill, then we're discussing the Bavarian Illuminati, a secret society opposed to superstition, abuse of state power and religious influence that was formed in 1776 and disbanded in 1785. But that's what they want you to think. The truth is much more sinister. Even celebrities are in on it.

Really? Yes, according to the latest, absolutely conclusive, reports. Look at Lindsay Lohan's tattoos. Or Lady Gaga's videos. Or that hand thing that Jay Z does. Or the way Barack Obama shakes hands with the pope.

But surely this can all be attributed to people reading too much into innocuous happenstance, because believing that we're all being controlled by secret organisations is much less frightening than accepting the lonely purposeless reality of life on Earth? No. Shut up. Everyone's in the Illuminati.

Everyone? Even the Guardian? Especially the Guardian. What are all those articles about quinoa for, if not to deliberately make it too expensive for Bolivians and further the rise of McDonald's, which is also part of the Illuminati, in the developing world?

Damn, rumbled [disappears in a puff of smoke]. I knew it.

Do say: "Every third letter of every fifth sentence of this article makes up an anagram. Decode that for the real truth."

Don't say: Anything rational in the comments.