Feeling really, truly good about yourself may seem like a straightforward goal, but it's actually the result of developing both self-compassion and confidence.
Building the latter usually means improving your self-esteem—an internal judgment of your self-worth or “an evaluation of worthiness,” says Kristin Neff, PhD, an associate professor of educational psychology at the University of Texas at Austin.
Perhaps the most talked-about method for pumping yourself up is to tip the needle in the direction you want, telling yourself to work harder, get stronger, and develop grit. But now, psych experts are poking holes in that theory, noting that while elevating your self-esteem can certainly be a pathway to more confidence, it has its pitfalls.
Self-esteem is tied to external validation, like compliments at work or likes on an IG post, so it’s fragile, says Christopher Germer, PhD, a lecturer in psychiatry at Harvard Medical School. When things don’t go right, comparison, feelings of isolation, and criticism creep in.
Meet the experts: Kristin Neff, PhD, is an associate professor of educational psychology at the University of Texas at Austin. Christopher Germer, PhD, is a lecturer in psychiatry at Harvard Medical School. Pooja Lakshmin, MD, is a physiatrist and author of Real Self-Care. Reena B. Patel, BCBA, is a board-certified behavioral analyst and positive psychologist. Diana Gasperoni, LCSW-R, is a licensed clinical social worker and founder of New York-based BeWELL Psychotherapy.
Say you’re falling behind on your marathon-training plan and angry with yourself about it. You might think, I’ll try harder because I feel inadequate. In the short term, that may work. But in the long run? Nope. When you get down on yourself, you wind up doubting yourself, which makes it harder to take risks, learn, and grow. You become afraid of failure, and you’re more likely to give up than to try again.
An alternate way to a more assertive you: self-compassion, which involves showing yourself kindness when you’re struggling, failing, or noticing something you don’t love about yourself. Self-compassion isn’t about measuring up to expectations; it’s a way of relating to yourself as a human. By caring and expressing concern for yourself during hard times, you’re able to persevere and create changes.
Well, yeah, feels kind of obvious, right? Let’s go back to the training scenario to paint the picture a little more clearly: With self-compassion, you’ll think, I’m going to try because I care about myself and I don’t want to suffer. That kind of motivation “leads to more self-confidence,” Neff says. When you can sit with your pain and think through what you might need to achieve your goal—like waking up earlier for runs or scheduling them on your phone calendar—instead of spiraling over all the ways you’re failing, you’ll overcome challenges, building confidence and belief in yourself as you go. It’s a subtle change in reaction, but it makes a huge difference. “Self-compassion gives you a stable source of self-competence, as opposed to a ‘sugar high,’” Neff says.
We tend to think of self-compassion as passive, even unproductive (“If I’m easy on myself, I’ll become complacent”). But that could not be further from the truth. There are two sides to self-compassion, Neff says. The tender side embodies the idea that although you are innately flawed, you are still worthy. And the fierce side says if you truly care about yourself, you accept yourself but don’t accept all of your behaviors, especially harmful ones. “Part of caring for yourself means taking active steps to change,” says Neff. That’s where the power of self-compassion comes in.
But none of this is easy. We tend to be waaay nicer to others than we are to ourselves—and we’re quick to judge our shortcomings and failures. The good news is this is a trainable skill. “It’s a muscle you can build,” says Neff.
What is self-compassion?
“Self-compassion is to accept yourself and give [yourself] the same grace and understanding you would give others,” says Reena B. Patel, BCBA, a board-certified behavioral analyst and positive psychologist. This can be especially hard since we often set high goals, standards, and ideals for ourselves, but self-compassion is accepting the current situation and not beating yourself up when things go awry, she adds.
In other words, self-compassion is gently accepting when you make a mistake and giving yourself room to fail, says Diana Gasperoni, LCSW-R, a licensed clinical social worker and founder of New York-based BeWELL Psychotherapy. “Self-compassion will allow us to pick ourselves up and try again,” she explains. “It allows us to grow and flourish.”
Self-Compassion Exercises To Try
These six methods create a deeper understanding of self-compassion and will help you feel your best today and for years to come. Motivation, a better mood, and, yep, alllll the feel-good feelings, right this way…
1. Ask yourself: What do I need?
This is the question that guides the whole self-compassion cultivation agenda, says Germer. Say you missed a deadline and are being hard on yourself about it. Instead of spiraling into negative self-talk, figure out what you need—a few more hours of childcare, writing daily to-do lists—to problem-solve. This inquiry (part of the fierce side of self-compassion) provides resources and tools for change, eventually generating self-confidence as you’re able to learn and grow.
2. Put a hand on your heart.
Touching your heart or your cheek “is probably the most widely used, simple, and physiologically transformative experience toward self-compassion,” says Germer. (You’re likely already doing it—when you receive bad news, you may instinctively put your hand on your heart!) This self-touch lowers cortisol levels, according to research published in Comprehensive Psychoneuroendocrinology. Also, when you rub your chest, specifically, you may activate your vagus nerve, the main nerve of your parasympathetic (or “rest and digest”) system, Germer says.
3. Figure out when you just *don’t* have it in you.
Pinpoint times when you lack self-compassion, says Pooja Lakshmin, MD, author of Real Self-Care. Do you get in your head when you see an email from a certain coworker, or does negative self-talk bubble up every time you and your partner fight? Homing in on self-kindness in these moments can push you toward the type of change you’re looking for.
4. Reflect on how you speak to yourself.
Is the voice in your head positive or negative? “Talking to ourselves in a positive way, especially when facing difficulties, is a great place to start with practicing self-compassion because you’re literally giving yourself grace and understanding when working through and accepting difficult situations,” says Patel.
When you make a mistake, shift your perspective, and reflect on what you can learn. “It’s all about how you emotionally respond to yourself and how those responses affect your overall well-being and outlook on life.”
5. Acknowledge the small wins.
Set achievable goals and acknowledge the small wins, says Gasperoni. This can be as simple as setting a bedtime and sticking to it, or reading 10 pages of a book a day, she explains. Big changes often start with small steps, and this is also true for how we embody self-compassion and perceive and talk to ourselves, adds Patel.
6. Practice gratitude—for yourself.
If you’re disappointed in yourself, it can be hard to let go and move on. But instead of spiraling with negative self-talk, let yourself forgive and move on, says Patel. “Be kind to yourself and practice self-love and gratitude,” she explains. “Expressing gratitude to yourself is being aware of the things that are affecting you and responding with appreciation.”
How to Practice Positive Self-Talk
The way you talk to yourself can fuel compassion, but acing positive self-talk is not simply telling yourself, “Everything’s great!” Here's how to change your tune:
Notice The Negativity
An easy way to cultivate a little TLC toward yourself is to practice a meditation tailored by Neff for this purpose: Focus on the mistakes or flaws that have been bothering you lately, then find where the emotions about them tend to end up in your body, like a tightness in your jaw or tension in your shoulders. Allow those feelings to sit in your body instead of resisting or rejecting them. This lets you get in touch with the suffering caused by your criticisms or the belief that you have to be perfect.
Make A Wish
Germer favors the use of wishes over positive self-statements (like “I’m getting stronger!”). Wishes, such as “May I accept every part of me,” are like “surrounding yourself with sacred company rather than the nasty chatter in our own minds,” he says. Plus, they encourage growth.
Replace The Word Should
Ever find yourself “shoulding” all over yourself? (Ugh, I should have done this earlier.) It’s a common form of self-criticism, one that’s not exactly self-compassionate, says Dr. Lakshmin. Try subbing for your shoulds anything that fosters curiosity (Could I have chosen to do X instead? Or: I wonder what held me back most this week?). Curiosity is kinder and more productive than shoulding, she says.
How Practicing Self-Esteem Can Boost Your Confidence
“Loving yourself is the first step in boosting your confidence,” says Patel. “If you don't love yourself, feelings of insecurity and inadequacy will creep up and your self-confidence will lower,” she explains.
Additionally, practicing self-esteem can build up your sense of self-worth, says Gasperoni. Acknowledge your strengths, take pride in your accomplishments, and give yourself room to fail, she explains. “Self-esteem is the cornerstone of confidence.”
Cassie Shortsleeve is a skilled freelance journalist with more than a decade of experience reporting for some of the nation's largest print and digital publications, including Women's Health, Parents, What to Expect, The Washington Post, and others. She is also the founder of the digital motherhood support platform Dear Sunday Motherhood and a co-founder of the newsletter Two Truths Motherhood and the maternal rights non-profit Chamber of Mothers. She is a mom to three daughters and lives in the Boston suburbs.
Andi Breitowich is a Chicago-based writer and graduate student at Northwestern Medill. She’s a mass consumer of social media and cares about women’s rights, holistic wellness, and non-stigmatizing reproductive care. As a former collegiate pole vaulter, she has a love for all things fitness and is currently obsessed with Peloton Tread workouts and hot yoga.
